i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
