I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize