Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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