Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize