you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
