I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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