As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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