i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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