This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Randomize
