He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
