I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
