I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
