I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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