I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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