umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
