So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize