maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
