Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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