if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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