Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
