Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
