What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize