I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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