using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
