I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
