I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
