I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
