It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
