The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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