He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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