Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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