Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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