Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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