You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
