i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
