They should really pass out barf bags in church
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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