peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
