We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dear god my vagina.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
