That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So here I am, sexting at work.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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