i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
