The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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