Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
