My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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