420 ftw
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
