I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
