If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
