Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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