It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My life is pants optional.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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