totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
