just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
