tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
