Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
