my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize