yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
