I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
