I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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