This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
