I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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