Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
